There are so many situations that I wish I could have dealt differently.Its funny how certain events in the past once brought back to our memory vary according to the mood we are in and how vague memory it self is . Its utter foolishness to act in the present according to what things has been in the past.
I have learned that every moment is unique in itself.for ever moment is an individual unconnected phenomenon to the next moment.But ignorance,our ignorance connects these moments to create incidents.sometimes we dwell connecting such moments, we bring our assumptions to conclusions and take action. but reality seldom resembles our conclusions.the trick is to look everything up close.one moment at a time .To live just one day everyday to start off with.
I have tortured my self over and over again clinging to results that have sprung in to life due to the course of my actions.but I have now realised that I was not responsible for the results which occurred because I did not act in such a manner intentionally . Did not conduct my self such that those results would occur.my ego lead me to think that the negative outcomes were a result of my actions making me feel significant in the life of those that I loved and cared.And for what I believe though painful I treasured it.but I was wrong and I now know 99% of everything that has happened was unintentional. I have felt a disgust a disdain because of how my peer's actions resulted to make my life quite intolarable.but I have come to an understanding that they were also not premeditated. I have started to believe people are people its just misunderstanding that make them look like monsters.how could some one be so cruel,more importantly how could I be so cruel?I belive the answer is perspective.funny how we load our selves with guilt when there is no one really to blame.
This year that has passed by was very special to me .not because of anything else but because I was able to loose my self completly and to find my self once again.I realised that our integrity sells for so little but its all we really have .it is the very last inch of us.but within that inch we are free .An inch it is small, it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having .its the only thing in the world that is you.
I know it is quite a lot to understand but what I really want you to understand is even though I may never meet you,never be friends with you I wish from the bottom of my heart that you get to live a life you are proud of,if you find you are not,I hope that you find the strength to start all over again.
-Malinda Senanayake-
